looking at the past..

just like the title..i've been looking at my past..to why i became like this today..being thrown away..just like a doll without feelings..perhaps it is a punishment brought unto me for casting away someone from my life..someone who truly loved me for what i am..

i cast him away just because he trusted another girl instead of me..i don't know how..but somehow he got the message like i was giving a warning to that girl..duhh..and for that..he asked for a break-up..what a jerk..that was what i thought of him back then..yeah..that girl too had no respect for other people's relationship..why are they always in my life demit? so desperate ah? taking other people's boyfriend? dh x laku sgt kut?

i begged like hell..for him to accept me back..he did though..but on a condition that i must not make contact with him..not even once for a year..it drove me crazy..that i had to find somebody to talk to..which happen to be my latest ex..who encouraged me to leave that jerk..well..most of my friends that time encourage me to leave him..it was a very hard decision for me..but i do feel sorry for my self at that time..so i set my heart on it..

he brought his parents and came to see me..he even wrote a letter for me to read..God knows how touching it was and tears running non-stop..and how i really want to have him back..but..i don't know..my heart was so set up on leaving him..was it because i have another person? his mother asked me..i just..said 'no..not really'..

but perhaps it really was because of that other person..the person who was up almost every nite keeping me company and listening to me..the person who dragged me to slow rock cafe at nite and forced me to cry in front of him..the person who introduced me to One Piece my #1 anime now..

i know he went back home in tears..i know it hurts him so much..

i can't say how much i regret leaving him like that..he emailed me few times..but the truth is..i didn't check my mailbox until a month later..when it was all to late..when i have already made a vow to love no one but that other person..perhaps it was meant to be..that i didn't check my mailbox..i really can't do anything about it..though that person at the time was ready to let me go..i can't do it..i've already made a vow..only to be broken when i can no longer give him hope..

but it seems like everything was for the better at that time..my parents liked the new person..which was a blessing for me..but then..the sunny days became stormy nites..

and now i'm stranded alone..

i dedicate this post to my first love..i know you have forgiven me..but i still feel that i haven't apologized enough..i'm happy to see that you're happy now..and i hope you won't end up like me..now i know what its like..stranded alone..remembering every sweet memories with so much pain..that i feel apologizing to you will never be enough..

to my current love..its up to you..there's nothing i can do if your heart is so determined..i am sorry for all the troubled i've cost you..but if we're really not meant to be together..i really don't want to have anything to do with you..so for the time being..please give me time..give me enough time to settle my debts..and give me time to stand up properly on my own so i wont depend on you anymore..its all i'm asking for now..of course i really want you to love me..respect me..but then..its all up to you..thanx for everything syg..somehow..i can't stop loving you..no matter what you did..it feels so weird..but still..the love is still there..and growing..